Signs everywhere I look © RZK
The Intergalactic Space Dating GameБляяяяяяяяяяя…… Я не помню, когда я ТАК ржала! Боже, я два часа задыхалась от смеха, Настюха трижды подходила и спрашивала: «Мама, тебе плохо?», на что я могла только выдавить в судорогах: «Я смеюююсяяя». У меня болит живот, сорван голос, растянуты в гармошку мышцы лица и вообще.
Я не буду это переводить, потому что это физически невозможно. Это продолжение рассказа «The Match» о борцовском поединке Риза и Хикса. Теперь мысля автора пошла дальше: на Ноевом ковчеге собраны герои кинематографа – холостяки для участия в передаче то ли «Любовь с первого взгляда», то ли «Свидание вслепую», я не разбираюсь в них, что-то такое. Это напалм. Люк Скайуолкер из «Звездных войн», который слышит голоса в своей голове и вызывает у ведущего смутные подозрения, что у него шизофрения. Капитан Кирк из «Стар Трека», который вставляет в свою речь рекламу сайта прогноза погоды. Агент Малдер из «Секретных материалов», который везде видит пришельцев. Нео из «Матрицы», который приравнивает Сандру Баллок к чужим. Капрал Хикс, который пеленает свое пульсовое ружье и пришел на шоу потому, что морпехи ему намекнули, что у него проблемы – и другие герои, немало известные… А потом появляется Риз и вечное противостояние Хикса/Риза переходит в область «Звездных войн» с сакраментальной фразой «я твой отец». На голосе Оби Ван Кеноби “Use the Schwarz” я сдохла. Нет, вру, я сдохла намного раньше.
The Intergalactic Space Dating Game
Автор: Jess
Оригинал: www.michaelbiehn.co.uk/fiction/viewstory.php?si...
Summary: The title says it all!
Categories: Alien, Terminator
Characters: Cpl. Dwayne Hicks, Ellen Ripley, Kyle Reese, Sarah Connor, Terminator
Genres: Humor/Comedy
A long, long, long, long, long, long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far away. That has an alternate Earth. Which is Earth but not really. Which looks exactly like Earth but with minor changes. Which doesn't really, really look like Earth actually. Which is not Earth at all. Which is a whole different planet. Which doesn't make sense since it's suppose to be an alternate Earth. Which needs a lawsuit for not being an alternate Earth.
Sci-fi's greatest heroes have retired from their hobbies. From the ones who have yet to understand that the underwear should be worn inside the pants not outside, to the ones who think that their soul mate is the heavy artillery he/ she carries, to, finally, the heroes who claim to be the chosen one. Whatever the heck that means.
Yes, indeed, the time for relaxation has come for these proud heroes of humanity. In fact, it's about time since some have to do their laundry! Why else do you think they wear those same damn clothes everyday! For others, they need to give child support for that illegitimate child of theirs. Then make like the Flash and take off. And like any self-respecting hero, many need to avoid the tabloids. Tabloids that range from Superman actually being a woman on steroids, to Lt. Ripley actually being a man on steroids. And while they must tend to that matter, several heroes must salvage their relationships. Yes, being a hero has its share of problems.
With all this said, what happens to the heroes who don't have much to do except grab a cold one and watch the Super Bowl? Who are still single but claiming to others that they've got dozens of women/men right now but they just happen to have the power to be invisible since they're never around? How about those who use that 1-900 number a lot? And what about the heroes who have developed a strong bond with their gun that friends have to convince him/her that he/she needs serious help? And what happens to the ones who recently broke up? Where do they go to find the special one? Ever wonder what happens to all of them! Ladies and gentlemen, wonder no more! Welcome to the place where these unfortunate souls travel to put their sadness to ease! Welcome to the place that gives them hope! Welcome to `The Intergalactic Space Dating Game'!
END NARRATION...
From our view, we see a large gigantic mountain. At the peak of it, MOSES, from The Ten Commandments is climbing to reach his rendezvous with God. He carries the Ten Commandments with him. Suddenly, the mountain shakes and a large ship looms overview. Moses trips and the Ten Commandments break.
Moses takes out the super glue and a black magic marker from his robe.
MOSES: (muttering) He won't know... It'll be good as new!
Moses finally reaches his rendezvous point. GOD takes a good look at the Ten Commandments. He frowns.
GOD: I don't recall the fifth one saying, "Thou shall love Ricky Martin", Moses.
The ship that we saw just a few minutes ago soars over an ocean. Inside, we hear techno music playing. There's a small studio. The audience cheers and roars out loud and claps in unison to the beat of the music. The audience consists of a colorful group. From hairy fat aliens, to some human beings who might as well be aliens themselves.
Suddenly, a young woman emerges from the side of a stage. She's the SYLVIA THE ANNOUNCER of the show!
SYLVIA THE ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, from the same guy who's famous for never aging, DICK CLARK!!!
The audience stands up and claps and cheers. DICK CLARK takes a bow and enters the stage.
DICK CLARK: Happy Rocking New Year... er... Welcome everyone! Welcome to The Intergalactic Space Dating Game where it's possible for even the superheroes to get lucky in love! Today's lucky girl is Jessica! She'll get the chance to choose who'll be her superhero blind date! But first, let's introduce our single contestants!
The audience cheers louder than before.
DICK CLARK: Our first contestant is a Jedi in training! Ladies and gentlemen, here's bachelor number one, LUKE SKYWALKER!
Luke Skywalker enters the stage and everyone cheers! He's got his light saber with him. He waves it to the people and smiles. However, he's so excited that he accidentally flings the light saber to the audience! They cry in a frenzy and run for cover as the light saber flies their way! The light saber hits Superman's groin area and he goes down for the countdown.
LOIS LANE: (mumbling bitterly) So much for that man of steel crap.
A group of paramedics come to his aid. The paramedics have the letters EFTTAA on their backs. It stands for Emergency Folks Tending To Alien Accidents.
Luke Skywalker sits down at one of the five extremely cushy seats that take the shape of huge hearts. He takes a seat but sinks so low in it that he's practically on the floor. DICK CLARK smiles.
DICK CLARK: Uh, why don't you tell us about yourself?
LUKE SKYWALKER: I'm a young man who listens to a little green alien that lives in a swamp who says that my dad's trying to destroy the universe because of some creep in a black robe says so and also insists on turning me over to the dark force or to kill me. Meanwhile, he has no idea that I have a sister, who I was actually attracted to but didn't know we were related at the time so I made my moves on her. Afterwards, we were able to know the truth since kissing each other was like kissing ourselves. Together we put a stop to the bad guys with the help of talking bears that spoke a foreign language and lived in the jungle and knew how to party!
The room is quiet.
DICK CLARK: So... um... what do you like to do on your spare time?
LUKE SKYWALKER: I like to use the Force a lot.
DICK CLARK: Wow, for the common good?
LUKE SKYWALKER: No, when I'm at Las Vegas. Hey, being a hero doesn't put food on the table! Yoda should know and he lives in a shack at a swamp.
DICK CLARK: Oh... okay. Um, were you afraid of coming on the show?
LUKE SKYWALKER: I'm not afraid.
DICK CLARK: (like Yoda in "Return of the Jedi") You will be... You will be...
Dick Clark smiles warmly.
DICK CLARK: What are your favorite hobbies?
LUKE SKYWALKER: I like to... (pauses, turns agitated all of a sudden) Get out of my head, old man! Get out of there NOW!
DICK CLARK: (confused) Mr. Skywalker? What's wrong?
LUKE SKYWALKER: (continuing) Who cares if I kissed my sister! Angelina Jolie and her brother do it all the time! I thought we discussed this on the Jerry Springer Show!
DICK CLARK: Luke...?
LUKE SKYWALKER: (turning calm) Sorry... I keep hearing a voice in my head. It's Obi Wan Kenobi. He thinks he can still boss me around even though he's dead. You see, Dick... (in a hoarse whisper) I see dead people...
Luke Skywalker turns agitated again.
LUKE SKYWALKER: (out loud) Stop it! You're just jealous because my light saber is bigger than yours!
Dick Clark is now indifferent to Luke Skywalker. He thinks he's a schizophrenic so he decides to move on to the next guest, momentarily wiping the nervous sweat off his forehead.
DICK CLARK: Okay, folks, our next guest is quite well known from across the galaxy! You might just find him crashing at your backyard! Literally! Folks, meet bachelor number two, ET!
The audience applauds again as ET flies into the studio with his bike, a motorcycle bike to be exact. He's wearing the same red jacket with the hood like in the movie except this time, there's a Harley Davidson patch on it. He stops to wave at the audience then goes to his seat after parking his motorcycle near the Alien Queen's spaceship.
DICK CLARK: Hello, ET! It's great to have you here! So what can you tell us about yourself?
ET: ET phone home...
DICK CLARK: (confused) Um, okay, what else?
ET: (points at Dick Clark) Friend...
DICK CLARK: (smiles nervously) All right, thanks... Um, what ELSE can you tell us? Something helpful.
ET: ET phone home...
ET takes something from his red jacket. Dick Clark looks at him curiously as does Luke Skywalker who thinks he's one of Yoda's close relatives.
DICK CLARK: (smiles warmly) What's that you got there?
ET: Beer...
ET chugs it down all the way and burps out loud. He points at the beer can with a glowing finger.
ET: Friend...
Dick Clark slowly shakes his head in pity. He sighs and decides to move on, ignoring Luke Skywalker who's cursing at the voice in his head again and ET's loud and annoying burps.
DICK CLARK: (tiredly) Now, for our next guest! This Captain is one of a kind! He's settled peace treaties between the Klingons and the Star Fleet Federation! Here's bachelor number three, CAPTAIN KIRK!
Captain Kirk walks into the stage casually. He stops when he sees an intern named KATJA working nearby. She's wearing a small red skirt. He goes over to her.
CAPTAIN KIRK: (slyly) How... did you... know...?
KATJA THE INTERN: How did I know WHAT?
CAPTAIN KIRK: How... did you know... that I... liked... my women... like... coffee...? Hot... and... full of sugar...
Katja the Intern slaps him square in the face.
CAPTAIN KIRK: (grinning) I... also... like my... coffee... strong...
He spanks her butt then strolls over to the stage to take his seat before Katja the Intern can react.
DICK CLARK: (nervously chuckles) Uh, I have a feeling that you'll be seeing her again in a sexual harassment suit.
CAPTAIN KIRK: Then... I'll... just... order Scotty... to... beam me up! Ha... ha... ha...
Captain Kirk continues to laugh at his own joke. The audience is quiet. The crickets chirp from a distant.
DICK CLARK: Okay. What can you tell us about yourself?
CAPTAIN KIRK: Before... I... can... answer that... I want... to know... why... you... took my communicator?
DICK CLARK: For the last time, Captain, it ISN'T a communicator! It's just a cell phone! So why are you here?
CAPTAIN KIRK: I wish... to... go... where... many men... have... boldly... gone before...
DICK CLARK: (in disbelief) Is that the only reason why you're here?
CAPTAIN KIRK: If you... have... a... better idea... I'd like to... hear... it...
Dick Clark gives off another heavy sigh. He sees ET drinking a second beer can and Luke Skywalker hitting himself to get the voice out of him. He turns to Captain Kirk to continue the small interview but he's disappeared from his seat! Dick Clark frantically searches for him and discovers that he's among the audience! Right near TRINITY from The Matrix!
CAPTAIN KIRK: (slyly) You... must... be... tired...
TRINITY: (annoyed) Tired from WHAT?
CAPTAIN KIRK: Tired... because... you've been... running... in... my head... all day... long...
TRINITY: That is the LAMEST line I've ever heard.
Trinity leaps up into the air in slow motion like in the Matrix movie. With a powerful kick, she hits him back to his seat.
Dick Clark, meanwhile, gives up on Captain Kirk and moves on.
DICK CLARK: He's an agent for the FBI investigating the X-Files! He's also the sole reason of moving the entire X-Files set from Vancouver to LA only to tell X-Files creator, Chris Carter, that he's going to appear in just a few episodes this season! Audience, here's bachelor number four, FOX MULDER!
FOX MULDER enters the stage and waves hi to the audience. He looks at the contestants and sees ET. He immediately turns to the audience to locate DANA SCULLY.
MULDER: I told you, Scully! The truth was out there! SEE! There's an alien here!
SCULLY: There's got to be a logical explanation for this...
MULDER: You can't quit now, Scully! We are close to something! We're on the verge...!
SCULLY: (interrupting) YOU'RE on the verge. Please don't do this to me. Not in front of all these people, Mulder.
MULDER: After what you saw last night, after all you've seen! You can just walk away?
SCULLY: I have. I did. It's done.
LUKE SKYWALKER: It's people like you, Scully, that destroyed Christmas. You should be ashamed of yourself!
SCULLY: And I'm supposed to be offended by a man who listens to talking bears?
Mulder gets a closer look of ET. He gently touches ET's face in fascination.
MULDER: I don't believe the FBI currently has an investigative unit qualified to pursue the evidence at hand, Scully. We'll just keep him in my basement in the meantime. We can learn a lot from each other.
SCULLY: Mulder, the only thing he'll learn is all the porn you've got stashed while he's locked up in your basement and I can only imagine what he'll do with that knowledge.
Mulder ignores her as he sees ET's finger glowing. ET extends the finger toward him. Mulder nods in understanding and smiles.
MULDER: I know... You want to tell me that you'll be right here, at my heart.
ET: No, I want you to pull my finger...
Mulder looks confused. ET raises his neck and extends it toward Mulder. Mulder thinks he's going to hug him but instead, ET barfs all over his shirt. ET sits back into his chair and grabs another cold one.
DICK CLARK: Welcome, Mulder! You've come a long way from home! Tell us about yourself!
MULDER: (in rage) Damn, alien! That shirt was from the GAP! You're going to pay for that! I'll see that the government finds you and conducts the most HORRIFYING experiments on you!
CAPTAIN KIRK: (across to the Scully) Did... it... hurt...?
SCULLY: (agitated) Did WHAT hurt?
CAPTAIN KIRK: Did... it... hurt... when... you... fell... from... heaven...?
DICK CLARK: (to Mulder) Sorry about the shirt. So why are you here? To get lucky in love?
MULDER: (still angry) No, to discover the TRUTH! And now that I HAVE, I'll see that EVERY DAMN ALIEN PAYS!
LUKE SKYWALKER: Whatever. You just don't want to admit that you can't find a woman in your own damn planet. The closes you got was Scully but she's too ticked off at how much you get paid just for saying "The truth is out there." If Chris Carter thinks he can continue the X-Files in an effort to get you an award in the Golden Globe Awards, he'd better realize that it'd take more than a village to fight the future!
CAPTAIN KIRK: What... kind... of man... calls himself... DICK... Clark?
ET: (pointing at another beer) Friend...
The four contestants go their separate ways. Dick Clark grabs a bottle of last New Year's Eve whiskey hidden under the sofa and takes a LARGE chug of it. After finishing half of the bottle, he decides to go to a commercial break.
COMMERCIAL BREAK: CARLA MARLA, MISTRESS OF KARMA: Come over to see me, Carla Marla, Mistress of Karma, to check out the great lines of food we have! From squid to huge monstrous lizards that have twenty tentacles, each one tasty, you'll get the chance to delight yourself! Why cook dinner tonight when you can eat a roasting, hot, milky, green five-eyed Martian! Yum! Yum! Kids will also have a special treat with our Happy Insects That Happily Eat You Alive happy meals! So come on over and bring the entire family along! We'll leave a seat for ya right here!
PART TWO
DICK CLARK: (tiredly) Okay, ladies and gentlemen hiccup you may know this guy from that LV-426 incident! He's a cool headed marine Corporal who hiccup wants a shot at love now! Folks, here's bachelor number five hiccup Corporal Hicks!
Luke Skywalker, Captain Kirk, ET, and Mulder calm back down as CORPORAL HICKS, from Aliens, enters now, carrying his M41A Pulse Rifle. He takes a seat and Dick Clark looks a little better. At last, a sane person!
DICK CLARK: How's it going, Corporal?
CPL. HICKS: (out loud) Whuzzzzzuuuuuupppppp!!!!!!!!!
DICK CLARK: (joining in) Whuzzzzzuuuuuupppppp!!!!!!!!!
LUKE SKYWALKER: (joining in) Whuzzzzzuuuuuupppppp!!!!!!!!!
ET: (joining in) Whuzzzzzuuuuuupppppp!!!!!!!!!
MULDER: (joining in) Whuzzzzzuuuuuupppppp!!!!!!!!!
SYLVIA THE ANNOUNCER: (joining in) Whuzzzzzuuuuuupppppp!!!!!!!!!
QUEEN ALIEN: (joining in from audience) Whuzzzzzuuuuuupppppp!!!!!!!!!
PREDATOR: (joining in from audience) Whuzzzzzuuuuuupppppp!!!!!!!!!
TRINITY: (joining in from audience) Whuzzzzzuuuuuupppppp!!!!!!!!!
SCULLY: (joining in from audience) Whuzzzzzuuuuuupppppp!!!!!!!!!
SUPERMAN: (joining in from audience but still in pain) Whuzzzzzuuuuuupppppp!!!!!!!!!
LOIS LANE: (joining in from audience) Whuzzzzzuuuuuupppppp!!!!!!!!!
KATJA THE INTERN: (joining in) Whuzzzzzuuuuuupppppp!!!!!!!!!
CAPTAIN KIRK: (joining in) What... is... up...!
Everyone stops and looks at Captain Kirk blankly. The room's quiet.
DICK CLARK: So, Hicks, how's everything hiccup going for you? What can you tell us about yourself without acting like a hiccup jerk like these guys have done?
CAPTAIN KIRK: (curiously to Dick Clark) How... can... you do it...?
DICK CLARK: How can I do WHAT?
CAPTAIN KIRK: How... can... you... be named DICK Clark... and... be... famous... for... dropping balls...? Dick Clark declines to say anything and sighs. After awhile, he MAKES himself smile.
DICK CLARK: (to Hicks) Okay, so why are you hiccup here, Hicks?
CPL. HICKS: (cradling his gun like a baby) My pals told me I had a problem. They told me that I was more concerned with my gun than with anything else.
LT. RIPLEY, who's among the audience, stands up.
RIPLEY: (angrily) That's right, Dwayne! You gave more love into that stupid gun than in our relationship!
CPL. HICKS: Look who's talking, cat freak! You've got TWELVE orange cats and ALL of them are named Jonesy!
DICK CLARK: I take it you both broke up?
CPL. HICKS: Divorced! The only good thing that I got out of the relationship was that funky, thong-like underwear she wore at the end of Alien!
RIPLEY: Which I'll be getting back REAL soon, mister!
CPL. HICKS: I wouldn't count on it, baby! Not unless you want to meet a close personal friend of mine!
RIPLEY: And which one would that be?! The wimpy one or the small one?!
DICK CLARK: (quickly intervenes) Uh, Ripley! We're LIVE across the galaxy. We don't need to hear about that.
CPL. HICKS: Ripley, the only thing I liked about being with you in space was that no one could hear you bit**. And if you gave me problems, I could just put you to sleep in that cryotube thingy for another 57 years!
A couple of security guards come in and escort Ripley out of the audience before she can reach the stage.
CAPTAIN KIRK: (to Ripley before she's taken out) Did... you... like the broom...?
RIPLEY: WHAT broom?!
CAPTAIN KIRK: The... one... I used to... sweep... you off your... feet...
CPL. HICKS: (grinning) Hey, Kirk! Lot's of luck with her! It's also too bad that your phaser is set only on stun, if you get my drift, old man!
Mulder, Luke Skywalker, and ET laugh. Kirk doesn't get the joke and just smiles.
DICK CLARK: Let's hiccup move on, people! He's the man who'll bring us from deliverance! From The Matrix, here's hiccup the last bachelor, NEO!
The audience waits for NEO, but he has yet to arrive. An hour later, Neo comes running to his seat out of nowhere.
DICK CLARK: Neo! hiccup Welcome!
NEO: Whoa, sorry I'm late, dude! Like, I took the bus! And, like, some jerk decided to put a bomb on it and the bus had to go over 50 or it'd blow. There was something else that we couldn't do but I can't remember.
DICK CLARK: No way!
NEO: YES way!
DICK CLARK: How did you escape?
NEO: Whoa, like, I jumped out of the bus as it rode on.
A huge explosion is suddenly heard that rocks the studio.
NEO: DUDE! NOW I remember! We couldn't get out of the bus either! Luke Skywalker, Captain Kirk, ET, Mulder, and Cpl. Hicks all look at each other.
CPL. HICKS: Hey, Kirk! I have a question for you, why do all the newcomers in Star Trek who wear red always are the ones that die?
CAPTAIN KIRK: Is... this... a... rhetorical... question...?
DICK CLARK: Okay folks, here's all our bachelors! Now for a commercial break!
COMMERCIAL BREAK: THREE-EYED MONSTER NAMED NILAH: Ever have a problem seeing as you're driving through your auto-pilot-fully-loaded aircraft carrier in the middle of an intergalactic traffic jam? If you're one of these people then a surgical Third Eye might be what you're looking for! Why live the rest of your entire existence wearing glasses and eye lenses when you can surgically implant a third eye that'll make up for your vision! Come over to Eye Wanna Wear A Third Eye today and get a FOURTH eye for half off! Eye Wanna Wear A Third Eye, a place where miracles happen!
The commercial ends. Dick Clark drinks another chug of his whiskey. He realizes they're back on air and quickly puts away the bottle. Cpl. Hicks arrives back on stage.
DICK CLARK: Where did you go?
CPL. HICKS: (happily) I went to my car to see if I left my keys in it again. And let me say, that nice people out there still exist!
DICK CLARK: Why do you say that?
CPL. HICKS: Because someone complemented me on my parking!
DICK CLARK: Really?
CPL. HICKS: Yeah! Whoever he or she was, they left a note saying, Parking Fine! Wasn't that sweet! Dick Clark doesn't say anything.
DICK CLARK: Let's get on with the show! If we can now bring out our lucky girl, JESSICA!
JESSICA comes from the other side of the stage. There's a large curtain that separates her side from the bachelors, which she can't see from her view. She takes a seat after shaking Dick Clark's hand.
DICK CLARK: Welcome! I hope you're up for a lot of surprises... I know I wasn't. Okay, let the show begin!
The five bachelors prep themselves for the questions. Luke Skywalker cracks his knuckles nervously. ET is on his forth drink. Captain Kirk is making his moves on another intern named SONJA but gets hit by her baseball bat. Cpl. Hicks is soothing his gun to sleep. And finally, Mulder is secretly calling the government over to obtain ET from his cell phone.
JESSICA: (clears throat) Bachelor number one, if you were to become a utensil, which would you be: a spoon, a fork, or a knife?
Luke Skywalker thinks for a long time. Suddenly, he hears OBI WAN KENOBI.
OBI WAN KENOBI: (in Luke's head) Use the fork, Luke. Use the fork!
LUKE SKYWALKER: (out loud) A spork!
OBI WAN KENOBI: (in Luke's head) No, STUPID! Fork! I said to use the FORK!
JESSICA: (to Luke) A spork? Why?
LUKE SKYWALKER: Because the voice in my head said so.
Jessica gives Dick Clark a concerned expression. She continues on.
JESSICA: Bachelor number six, what's the thing you like to do best? What's your talent?
NEO: Whoa! Like, I have a talent?
Jessica doesn't say anything.
NEO: Hey, like, I wouldn't recommend you picking bachelor number three for a date, babe. He's, like, an alien.
Jessica still doesn't say anything.
NEO: Uh, what was the question again?
JESSICA: (trying to be patient) What's your favorite thing you like to do?
NEO: Oh! Like, that's easy! I know Kung Fu!
JESSICA: Great... What else?
NEO: Whoa, is this a multiple question quiz? Am I getting a grade for this?
Jessica tries her best not to explode.
NEO: Um, okay, so, like, I also like to make prank phone calls to Agent Smith and his buddies. Like, it almost caused Trinity her life, but, hey! It was EXCELLENT!
CAPTAIN KIRK: No... way...!
NEO: YES way! It's cool being the one!
In the audience, Trinity looks at MORPHEOUS pathetically.
TRINITY: And he wonders why I broke things off between us...
JESSICA: Bachelor number two, I want to know what's YOUR hobby?
CAPTAIN KIRK: I... like... to... sing...
JESSICA: That's great! How's about you sing for us?
Captain Kirk stands up.
CAPTAIN KIRK: (singing in a flat note) Raindrops... keep... falling... on... my... head...
Captain Kirk stops singing.
CAPTAIN KIRK: But... you... know... what...? Raindrops... DON'T... have to fall on your head... If... you... go... to... priceline.com, you're guaranteed... a... great... deal at all... the... great... places for such... a... cheap price! You... won't... have... to... worry about... crummy... weather... Check... out... priceline.com and see... what... it... means... to be amazed! The audience is quiet.
JESSICA: (continuing on) Bachelor number four, please tell me about yourself. What do you do?
MULDER: What do I do? I'm the key figure on an ongoing government charade: to plot to conceal the truth about the existence of extraterrestrials. It's a global conspiracy, actually, with key players in the highest level of power that reaches into the lives of every woman, man, and child on this planet. So, of course, no one believes me. I'm an annoyance to my superiors, a joke to my peers. They call me Spooky. Spooky Mulder whose sister was abducted by aliens when he was just a kid, and now chases after little green men with a badge and a gun and shouting to the heavens or anyone who will listen that the fix is in, that the sky is falling and when it hits, it's gonna be the s*** storm of all time.
NEO: DUDE! That was awesome!
LUKE SKYWALKER: No, it wasn't! He got it right off The X-Files movie! See? He scribbled it all down on his hands!
Neo looks at Mulder's hands. He sees the entire speech written down.
NEO: No way!
ET: YES way!
CPL. HICKS: (muttering to himself) You know that the world's going to end when the best rapper is white, the best golfer is black, and the chosen one is the same dude from Billy and Ted's Excellent Adventure. Frankly, I'm not impressed.
DICK CLARK: Okay, folks! We'll be right back! Now for a commercial!
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PART THREE
DICK CLARK: Wow! I love going to that place! But let's move on! Jessica?
Jessica smiles and moves on with the questions.
JESSICA: (to the contestants) Can each of you tell me what was the strangest date you ever had WITH AN ALIEN?
LUKE SKYWALKER: I was on this other blind date game. My date was a big hairy creature. It was Chewbacca.
CAPTAIN KIRK: My... strangest date had... to... be Laura... On... the... middle of the date, I... discovered she was a he... And that it... was... Dennis Rodman... making... another... promotional... attempt to save... his ill-fated career... Of course, him... being an... alien was... no... surprise to me... To... make matters worse... we had a terrible... trip to... our... restaurant... If any... of... you... people would like... to... avoid... such a hassle, then... check... out... priceline.com...! It's... a... great... way... for travel and... to... save... money... Tell... them... I sent... you...!
DICK CLARK: Do we get a discount for telling them that you sent us?
CAPTAIN KIRK: Uh... I... didn't... say... that...
NEO: (to Jessica) Whoa, like, dude, I never dated an alien... but I WAS with Sandra Bullock! That's close enough to being with an alien, isn't it?
ET: (points at his sixth drink, indifferent to the question) Friend...
MULDER: Which one would you like to hear?
CPL. HICKS: Brittany Spears. And folks, those AREN'T implants after all. They're alien eggs that hatched right in front of my eyes that gave birth to horrifying alien babies! I freaked out and she told me, Oops! I did it again!
NEO: Whoa! No way!
CPL. HICKS: YES way!
NEO: Did they develop into kick@$ agents that could leap from one building into another, morph from a human being, and have Kung Fu killer moves?
MULDER: (anxious and curious) Were they intelligent extraterrestrials who secretly worked with the government in an effort to conceal the truth from every man, woman, and child? Thus, waiting for Judgment Day where all of humanity would perish at their will?
CAPTAIN KIRK: Huge... large... Klingons... with bad breath.... and terrible... table... manners that... spout things... from William Shakespeare?
LUKE SKYWALKER: Or maybe desert monsters that ate folks alive for parking on a No Parking zone?
CPL. HICKS: Nope. They were baby clones of herself!
The audience screams in terror.
SCULLY: (from the audience) Mulder! Here lies the logical explanation!
MULDER: About the existence of extraterrestrials?
SCULLY: No! About the existence of the likes of Christian Aguilera... Jessica Simpson...!
JESSICA: Bachelor number three, if we were to go on a date, where would you take me?
CAPTAIN KIRK: Well... I'll... take you to... a... pleasure cruise, of course. But first...!
Captain Kirk stands up, grabs a microphone and strolls over to a guy with a keyboard and drums.
CAPTAIN KIRK: Before... anyone... thinks of going... anywhere, they might... need... to check out priceline.com...! The... greatest place to... visit to save... cash... and... I KNOW... that a lot... of people... want... to save money... Priceline.com... is the place to go...! Baby, if... I'm... wrong... then I don't... ever... want to be right...
CPL. HICKS: Oh, shut UP with those damn 'priceline.com' commercials already!
Cpl. Hicks yanks Captain Kirk back to his seat. The audience applauds.
CAPTAIN KIRK: You... are... aren't you?
CPL. HICKS: I'm WHAT?
CAPTAIN KIRK: You're... jealous... of me because... I... don't... die... in all of my movies... like you do...
CPL. HICKS: That's because you hardly make any movies in the first place, dork! What's the one movie you made?
CAPTAIN KIRK: That's... easy...!
CPL. HICKS: (quickly adds) That WASN'T a Star Trek movie!
Captain Kirk doesn't say anything.
JESSICA: Can each of you tell me your favorite quote?
MULDER: The truth is out there.
NEO: Whoa... It's, like, Excellent! Uh, no, that's the wrong one... Uh, Pop quiz, hotshot! No, um, that's wrong....
BILL: (from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure) DUDE! Like, you totally forgot your character, man!
NEO: Shut up, Bill! At least, I wasn't a LOST BOY!
BILL: Whoa! That was totally uncalled for! That was totally icy!
NEO: Sorry, dude! Air guitar time!
Both Neo and Bill begin playing a guitar out of thin air.
JESSICA: Uh, I hate to break this up, but what was your favorite quote?
NEO: Uh... uh...
JESSICA: Remember? You were in The Matrix, remember?
NEO: (still confused) What is the Matrix?
DICK CLARK: Uh, that'll do. Moving on!
CPL. HICKS: It's game time.
CAPTAIN KIRK: Space... the final... frontier...
Thirty minutes later...
CAPTAIN KIRK: "...to boldly go... where... no... man... has gone... before..."
ET: ET tired... ET want to pull the wrong finger on KIRK... ET phone home...Luke Skywalker thinks for a long time.
LUKE SKYWALKER: You know... I don't have one! You'd think that I'd have my own quote! Even ET, who hardly says anything throughout the movie, has several quotes!
JESSICA: Bachelor number six, how did you know that you were the chosen one?
NEO: Whoa, like, when my computer told me to follow the white bunny.
JESSICA: What about you bachelor number one?
LUKE SKYWALKER: First of all, I'd just like to say that Neo is a COMPLETE rip-off of me! EVERYONE here knows that I started the chosen one phase! EVERYONE!
NEO: No way!
LUKE SKYWALKER: YES way!
CPL. HICKS: Why all this fuss about chosen people! Why can't characters like me get a shot at being one! How come I've gotta die while everyone else gets to fancy around in black leather, using cool powers, and ACTUALLY making it to a sequel! It ain't fair!
Mulder comforts Cpl. Hicks with a hug.
MULDER: There, there... you'll get your chance to annihilate a bad guy and live at the end of the movie.
CPL. HICKS: (crying) Actually, I DID annihilate a bad guy and DID make it at the end of Aliens.
MULDER: Then why are you complaining?
CPL. HICKS: (crying louder) Because I died at the very beginning of Alien 3!
MULDER: Oh.
JESSICA: Bachelor number four, what's your favorite hobby?
MULDER: (still holding Cpl. Hicks) I like to write in my diary when I'm wearing red shoes.
Everyone's quiet. Cpl. Hicks immediately pushes him off and moves a chair away.
DICK CLARK: (nervously) How's about we go to a commercial break?
COMMERCIAL BREAK: CRISTI'S GROW YOUR OWN CLONE: Christmas is around the corner, can't find a Furby to give to your kid this year because they're out of stock? Don't worry about it! We've got you covered! Give them a clone! That's right! Let them grow their own clones! Let the kiddies teach them how to speak and act and how to dominate! Clones even interact with each other! The more your kids teach them the better they'll be and who knows! You might even trade in your OWN kids for the clones! Don't think! Do! Your kids will thank you for it!
DICK CLARK: We're back! Jessica, take it from here!
JESSICA: Okay! Um, bachelor number five, what was the worse experience you ever had?
CPL. HICKS: Um, well, besides from dying in my sleep, a few months ago I was kidnapped by a psycho who kept me locked in her basement and made me try on her clothes. She took me after I won in a boxing match against a jerk named Kyle Reese. Other victims like Chris Larabee, Coffey, and Curran were taken by other obsessed and insane girls. So far, they're still missing. A current investigation is being conducted by Sheriff Brent Marken for the search of Chris while the Navy's Commander Anderson is trying to find both Curran and Coffey.
NEO: DUDE! That sounds cool! Do you remember what that chick looked like?
CPL. HICKS: I never knew. She covered my eyes with a black cloth that had Hicks rules words all over it. She also stuffed an Alien beanie baby in my mouth to prevent me from yelling help to anyone who'd come by. To make matters worse, she kept making me enact a scene from Aliens with the help of her Aliens' action figures! As always, I played Hicks. I also had to play Ken, when she decided to play with her Barbie dolls. I wanted to DIE again!
MULDER: How did you escape? Did the same aliens that kidnapped my sister abducted, conducted tests, and then took you to a reliable place afterwards? Or had you secretly escaped the clutches of the government who had discovered that you were recent a victim of an alien abduction and therefore, decided to make you a part of their global conspiracy in world domination? If so, do you have any bugs that they possibly implanted in you to know where you are and at what time? Have you checked for that? I could help. One man alone can't fight the future.
CPL. HICKS: (looking at Mulder strangely) No. I escaped when her mom told her dinner was done and to stop playing with her toys. I took off like hell and made my way here. Speaking of that incident, I couldn't help but to notice how you sound familiar, Ms. Jessica.
JESSICA: (nervous) Who? Me?! Nonsense! Um, I'm going to move on!
CPL. HICKS: Wait a minute!
Cpl. Hicks runs over to the side of Jessica. He looks at her suspiciously. He notices that she has a bag beside her. Before she can grab it, he snatches it away. Cpl. Hicks looks inside the bag and the audience sees him shocked.
CPL. HICKS: I KNEW IT! You're the one!
Cpl. Hicks pulls out and reveals the Hicks action figure and Ken doll to the audience. Everyone awes in horror. Jessica immediately gets up and starts to run but Cpl. Hicks chases after her. The audience goes in a complete frenzy!
A group of government agents storm in the studio suddenly. Mulder points at ET who leaps up from his chair and starts to run like hell. Some of the agents are the same ones from The Matrix!
AGENT SMITH: (to ET) As you can see, we've had our eye on you for sometime, Mr. ET. There seems that you've been living two lives... In one life, you're an alien living within a respectable and intelligent species that has visit Earth on several occasions in an effort to learn more of the human body. In the other, you're a stripper in the underground where you go by the name, The Lover's Man. One of these lives has a future... the other does not. ET waddles his way around Agent Smith and heads for the exit door. Agent Smith and his comrades go after him. Neo, Trinity, and Morpheous attempt to help ET, but Luke Skywalker gets in the way. He punches Neo with his light saber.
LUKE SKYWALKER: Rip-off!
BILL: Whoa! Neo, you going to let that dude tell you off, dude!
NEO: NO WAY!
Neo prepares to do battle. The fight scene looks like the same one at the subway in The Matrix. The two fly at each other but they hit themselves in the head instead and lose conscious right before the battle even starts. Mulder and Scully observe what's going on.
SCULLY: Let's go, Mulder. I've seen enough.
MULDER: No. No! How many times have we been here before, Scully, right here, so close to the truth? And now what we've seen and what we know to be right back in the beginning with nothing!
SCULLY: Apparently, not as much as I have to hear you ramble on and on and on...
Katja the Intern and Sonja the Intern are assaulting Captain Kirk in the meantime. Katja the Intern has a club while Sonja the Intern has a spiked club.
KATJA THE INTERN: Who's hot now, dork?!
Captain Kirk runs behind Dick Clark.
CAPTAIN KIRK: Get... HIM! Not me! He made... me... do it! Honest!
Dick Clark looks at him blankly. Katja the Intern and Sonja the Intern still attempt to hit Captain Kirk. They accidentally hit Dick Clark instead. To their surprise, Dick Clark turns his head all the way around to see them! He gets the spiked club out of his leg. Then his body starts to rip apart! Behind the skin, is an endoskeleton! He's the TERMINATOR!
CAPTAIN KIRK: That's... why... you never aged! You're... a... robot!
Captain Kirk retrieves his communicator when he sees the Terminator coming after them all.
CAPTAIN KIRK: Scotty! Beam... me... up!
SCOTTY: (from the other line) I can't!
CAPTAIN KIRK: There aren't enough crystals, Scotty?
SCOTTY: No! I'm just too fat to reach the controls, Cap'n!
CAPTAIN KIRK: Doh!
Cpl. Hicks stops chasing Jessica and takes a moment to see the Terminator. Suddenly, he hears a laugh from behind.
VOICE: Hoo-hoo-ha-ha-ha!
The voice is familiar. Cpl. Hicks turns around and sees KYLE REESE from The Terminator holding a plasma rifle.
REESE: A lot's happened after our last battle...Cpl. Hicks finds Luke Skywalker's light saber on the ground and takes it.
REESE: I have something to tell you...
CPL. HICKS: What?
REESE: Hicks... I am your father!
CPL. HICKS: No! No! You can't be! That's impossible!
REESE: It's true! It'd certainly explain it better than me having a kid twice my age that sends me off to the future, ultimately, to kill myself! And then there's all that nonsense on time travel. How was I able to conceive him from another time if I wasn't born? Does that mean that there's always going to be a future in chaos in order for me to come back through time? Am I always going to go through time to save the human race? Why do supermarkets that are open 24 hours a day have a lock? Why can't you tear away that annoying tag in your mattress? Why do the words of a song rarely relate to the music video? You know, that kind of nonsense. Anyway, now join me in the Dark side or die dammitt!
Cpl. Hicks tries to hit him with the light saber. To his horror, the batteries go out. He checks the batteries and sees that they're Energizer batteries.
CPL. HICKS: It figures! I should've gone with Duracell!
Cpl. Hicks throws the light saber away and tries to outrun Reese whose shooting all over the place, even hitting the Energizer bunny along the way. Cpl. Hicks hides in a room and locks the door. He doesn't know what to do. Suddenly, the closet behind him opens and the masked guy from Scream appears holding a knife.
SCREAM DUDE: Hello, Sidney!
CPL. HICKS: Uh, you're in the wrong story, buddy.
Scream Dude stops to look around.
SCREAM DUDE: Uh, sorry...As the Scream Dude exits, Reese appears out of nowhere.CPL.
CPL. HICKS: Where the hell did you come from?
REESE: Funny, that's the same thing my mom asked when she found out she was pregnant with me. But that's not the point! Join me!
Cpl. Hicks backs away from Reese. As he does, he trips and falls to the ground. Reese walks over to him and starts to laugh. Cpl. Hicks is trapped. He doesn't know what to do. Abruptly, however, he hears a voice. This time from inside his head.
THE VOICE INSIDE HIS HEAD: Use the Schwarz, Hicks! Use the Schwarz!
CPL. HICKS: Obi Wan Kenobi? I thought I was supposed to use the Force?
THE VOICE INSIDE HIS HEAD: (in rage) It's NOT Obi Wan Kenobi! It's Yogurt from Spaceballs!
Obi Wan Kenobi is too busy trying to get Luke's @$ up so they called me in as a replacement. Now use the Schwarz!
CPL. HICKS: But I don't know how!
YOGURT: You do! It's inside you!
CPL. HICKS: In my heart?
YOGURT: NO, stupid! In your left pocket!
Cpl. Hicks checks his left pocket and finds a grenade with the name Schwarz. He takes it and throws it at Reese. A huge explosion occurs.
REESE: (like the Wicked Witch of the West) I'm melting! I'm melting! What a world! What a world!
The explosion caused by the bomb causes the ship to plummet downwards. Agent Scully runs to a nearby window to see where the ship is heading for. She sees an iceberg.
SCULLY: Iceberg! Right ahead!
HUDSON, from Aliens, appears out of nowhere.
HUDSON: (hysterically) Game over, man! Game over! What are we gonna do! What are we gonna do!
As everyone runs to evacuate, from afar JACK, from Titanic, stands at the very end of the ship.
JACK: I'm the king of the world! Whoo-hoo!
MULDER: (On the run) You'll be more than that when the ship hits you idiot!
Jack turns to see what he's talking about.
JACK: Oh s****!
ROSE, also from Titanic, emerges from a nearby doorway wearing nothing but a robe.
ROSE: Jack? Where are you going? You're supposed to draw my portrait!
JACK: The ship's going to hit an iceberg!
ROSE: OMIGOSH! What are we going to do!? There aren't enough escape pods for everyone!
JACK: There isn't? (Thinks for a long time)
ROSE: Jack! What are we going to do!?
JACK: (taking off) Stay here, Rose! I'll get help!
Jack makes a mad dash towards the escape pods. Mulder runs beside him. As the two enter an escape pod, Mulder looks confused.
MULDER: Hey, I thought you were going to get help.
JACK: I lied. I only told her to stay put so that I could get into one of the few escape pods.
HUDSON: (hysterically) Game over, man! Game over! What are we gonna do! What are we gonna do!
Neo wakes up. He notices the ship shaking and Bill right over him.
NEO: Dude, what happened?
BILL: Like, DUDE, the ship's going down!
NEO: No way!
BILL: YES way! Let's go!
Neo follows Bill to a nearby phone booth. Electricity surges over the phone booth as it prepares to teleport Bill and Ted, er, Neo, out of the plummeting ship.
BILL: (to Neo) Dude, you ever wonder why all your movies deal with a telephone booth? I mean, Speed opened with you in a telephone booth... The Matrix opened with a telephone booth... You get the idea, dude?
NEO: Who cares! Let's order some pizza, dude!
BILL: No way!
NEO: YES way!
Before the telephone phone can leave, Neo sees Trinity and Morpheous trying to run toward them.
TRINITY: Neo! Let us in!
NEO: Sorry! This telephone booth is reserved only for Bill and me!
The telephone booth transports out of the ship. Trinity curses but Morpheous sees a bus and urges her to run after it. Upon arriving, BECKY THE BUS DRIVER opens the bus's doors and looks down at the two.
BECKY THE BUS DRIVER: I hope the two of you got exact change. Exact change only.
Both Trinity and Morpheous try to get out the change needed, but their leather pants are too tight that they can't even reach into their pockets!
HUDSON: (hysterically) Game over, man! Game over! What are we gonna do! What are we gonna do!
Meanwhile, back at the hallway. Cpl. Hicks begins to recover. He looks down at the pool that was once Reese and smiles.
CPL. HICKS: Finally, it's over... Suddenly, he sees the pool beginning to rise. Cpl. Hicks freaks out when he realizes that Reese is putting himself back together! (Like the T-1000 in Terminator 2: Judgment Day)!
CPL. HICKS: I'm getting out of here!
HUDSON: (hysterically) Game over, man! Game over! What are we gonna do! What are we gonna do!
CPL. HICKS: Oh, shut UP already!
Cpl. Hicks knocks Hudson out cold. Then he hears the ship's sirens informing all people that impact will be in less than one minute! He sees several people running all over the place. He searches for a means of transportation and finds some. Cpl. Hicks weighs his options. There's the Alien Queen's mother ship he can escape in, an empty escape pod he could use, a transporter he could transport in, a boat from Titanic that says it all, and finally, ET's bike. He heads for ET's bike.
Jessica manages to snatch ET's bike first and starts her up. Cpl. Hicks jumps on.
CPL. HICKS: I'M driving!
He drives it at full speed and decides to pick ET up along the way whose now is on his sixth round. Suddenly, Jessica looks behind them.
JESSICA: What the...! Look! There's a crazy, cute, hot looking, make-my-day, man running after us!
Cpl. Hicks looks behind and sees that it's Reese! Cpl. Hicks pulls out his shotgun and decides to give Jessica control of the bike.
CPL. HICKS: Here! Drive!
Cpl. Hicks shoots shot after shot at Reese, but he's still pursuing. In fact, he manages to leap up and grab the rear end of the motorcycle. Reese starts to pull himself up! But one final shot from Cpl. Hicks sends Reese's grip loose. The three escape. Reese gets up as he sees the bike flying away. He hears that the ship's going to impact at any moment! So he looks around and approaches the Millennium Falcon from Star Wars! He leans over to HAN SOLO's window.
REESE: (devilishly) Say, that's a nice ship.
Reese takes off with the Falcon, leaving the Star Wars cast behind (including George Lucas). Well, he decides to take along those cute talking bears, though... Meanwhile, ET, Cpl. Hicks and Jessica make it past the ship's impact. Cpl. Hicks sighs in relief. Together, they fly up and across the moon... only to get hit by an airplane.
THE END
Я не буду это переводить, потому что это физически невозможно. Это продолжение рассказа «The Match» о борцовском поединке Риза и Хикса. Теперь мысля автора пошла дальше: на Ноевом ковчеге собраны герои кинематографа – холостяки для участия в передаче то ли «Любовь с первого взгляда», то ли «Свидание вслепую», я не разбираюсь в них, что-то такое. Это напалм. Люк Скайуолкер из «Звездных войн», который слышит голоса в своей голове и вызывает у ведущего смутные подозрения, что у него шизофрения. Капитан Кирк из «Стар Трека», который вставляет в свою речь рекламу сайта прогноза погоды. Агент Малдер из «Секретных материалов», который везде видит пришельцев. Нео из «Матрицы», который приравнивает Сандру Баллок к чужим. Капрал Хикс, который пеленает свое пульсовое ружье и пришел на шоу потому, что морпехи ему намекнули, что у него проблемы – и другие герои, немало известные… А потом появляется Риз и вечное противостояние Хикса/Риза переходит в область «Звездных войн» с сакраментальной фразой «я твой отец». На голосе Оби Ван Кеноби “Use the Schwarz” я сдохла. Нет, вру, я сдохла намного раньше.
The Intergalactic Space Dating Game
Автор: Jess
Оригинал: www.michaelbiehn.co.uk/fiction/viewstory.php?si...
Summary: The title says it all!
Categories: Alien, Terminator
Characters: Cpl. Dwayne Hicks, Ellen Ripley, Kyle Reese, Sarah Connor, Terminator
Genres: Humor/Comedy
A long, long, long, long, long, long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far away. That has an alternate Earth. Which is Earth but not really. Which looks exactly like Earth but with minor changes. Which doesn't really, really look like Earth actually. Which is not Earth at all. Which is a whole different planet. Which doesn't make sense since it's suppose to be an alternate Earth. Which needs a lawsuit for not being an alternate Earth.
Sci-fi's greatest heroes have retired from their hobbies. From the ones who have yet to understand that the underwear should be worn inside the pants not outside, to the ones who think that their soul mate is the heavy artillery he/ she carries, to, finally, the heroes who claim to be the chosen one. Whatever the heck that means.
Yes, indeed, the time for relaxation has come for these proud heroes of humanity. In fact, it's about time since some have to do their laundry! Why else do you think they wear those same damn clothes everyday! For others, they need to give child support for that illegitimate child of theirs. Then make like the Flash and take off. And like any self-respecting hero, many need to avoid the tabloids. Tabloids that range from Superman actually being a woman on steroids, to Lt. Ripley actually being a man on steroids. And while they must tend to that matter, several heroes must salvage their relationships. Yes, being a hero has its share of problems.
With all this said, what happens to the heroes who don't have much to do except grab a cold one and watch the Super Bowl? Who are still single but claiming to others that they've got dozens of women/men right now but they just happen to have the power to be invisible since they're never around? How about those who use that 1-900 number a lot? And what about the heroes who have developed a strong bond with their gun that friends have to convince him/her that he/she needs serious help? And what happens to the ones who recently broke up? Where do they go to find the special one? Ever wonder what happens to all of them! Ladies and gentlemen, wonder no more! Welcome to the place where these unfortunate souls travel to put their sadness to ease! Welcome to the place that gives them hope! Welcome to `The Intergalactic Space Dating Game'!
END NARRATION...
From our view, we see a large gigantic mountain. At the peak of it, MOSES, from The Ten Commandments is climbing to reach his rendezvous with God. He carries the Ten Commandments with him. Suddenly, the mountain shakes and a large ship looms overview. Moses trips and the Ten Commandments break.
Moses takes out the super glue and a black magic marker from his robe.
MOSES: (muttering) He won't know... It'll be good as new!
Moses finally reaches his rendezvous point. GOD takes a good look at the Ten Commandments. He frowns.
GOD: I don't recall the fifth one saying, "Thou shall love Ricky Martin", Moses.
The ship that we saw just a few minutes ago soars over an ocean. Inside, we hear techno music playing. There's a small studio. The audience cheers and roars out loud and claps in unison to the beat of the music. The audience consists of a colorful group. From hairy fat aliens, to some human beings who might as well be aliens themselves.
Suddenly, a young woman emerges from the side of a stage. She's the SYLVIA THE ANNOUNCER of the show!
SYLVIA THE ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, from the same guy who's famous for never aging, DICK CLARK!!!
The audience stands up and claps and cheers. DICK CLARK takes a bow and enters the stage.
DICK CLARK: Happy Rocking New Year... er... Welcome everyone! Welcome to The Intergalactic Space Dating Game where it's possible for even the superheroes to get lucky in love! Today's lucky girl is Jessica! She'll get the chance to choose who'll be her superhero blind date! But first, let's introduce our single contestants!
The audience cheers louder than before.
DICK CLARK: Our first contestant is a Jedi in training! Ladies and gentlemen, here's bachelor number one, LUKE SKYWALKER!
Luke Skywalker enters the stage and everyone cheers! He's got his light saber with him. He waves it to the people and smiles. However, he's so excited that he accidentally flings the light saber to the audience! They cry in a frenzy and run for cover as the light saber flies their way! The light saber hits Superman's groin area and he goes down for the countdown.
LOIS LANE: (mumbling bitterly) So much for that man of steel crap.
A group of paramedics come to his aid. The paramedics have the letters EFTTAA on their backs. It stands for Emergency Folks Tending To Alien Accidents.
Luke Skywalker sits down at one of the five extremely cushy seats that take the shape of huge hearts. He takes a seat but sinks so low in it that he's practically on the floor. DICK CLARK smiles.
DICK CLARK: Uh, why don't you tell us about yourself?
LUKE SKYWALKER: I'm a young man who listens to a little green alien that lives in a swamp who says that my dad's trying to destroy the universe because of some creep in a black robe says so and also insists on turning me over to the dark force or to kill me. Meanwhile, he has no idea that I have a sister, who I was actually attracted to but didn't know we were related at the time so I made my moves on her. Afterwards, we were able to know the truth since kissing each other was like kissing ourselves. Together we put a stop to the bad guys with the help of talking bears that spoke a foreign language and lived in the jungle and knew how to party!
The room is quiet.
DICK CLARK: So... um... what do you like to do on your spare time?
LUKE SKYWALKER: I like to use the Force a lot.
DICK CLARK: Wow, for the common good?
LUKE SKYWALKER: No, when I'm at Las Vegas. Hey, being a hero doesn't put food on the table! Yoda should know and he lives in a shack at a swamp.
DICK CLARK: Oh... okay. Um, were you afraid of coming on the show?
LUKE SKYWALKER: I'm not afraid.
DICK CLARK: (like Yoda in "Return of the Jedi") You will be... You will be...
Dick Clark smiles warmly.
DICK CLARK: What are your favorite hobbies?
LUKE SKYWALKER: I like to... (pauses, turns agitated all of a sudden) Get out of my head, old man! Get out of there NOW!
DICK CLARK: (confused) Mr. Skywalker? What's wrong?
LUKE SKYWALKER: (continuing) Who cares if I kissed my sister! Angelina Jolie and her brother do it all the time! I thought we discussed this on the Jerry Springer Show!
DICK CLARK: Luke...?
LUKE SKYWALKER: (turning calm) Sorry... I keep hearing a voice in my head. It's Obi Wan Kenobi. He thinks he can still boss me around even though he's dead. You see, Dick... (in a hoarse whisper) I see dead people...
Luke Skywalker turns agitated again.
LUKE SKYWALKER: (out loud) Stop it! You're just jealous because my light saber is bigger than yours!
Dick Clark is now indifferent to Luke Skywalker. He thinks he's a schizophrenic so he decides to move on to the next guest, momentarily wiping the nervous sweat off his forehead.
DICK CLARK: Okay, folks, our next guest is quite well known from across the galaxy! You might just find him crashing at your backyard! Literally! Folks, meet bachelor number two, ET!
The audience applauds again as ET flies into the studio with his bike, a motorcycle bike to be exact. He's wearing the same red jacket with the hood like in the movie except this time, there's a Harley Davidson patch on it. He stops to wave at the audience then goes to his seat after parking his motorcycle near the Alien Queen's spaceship.
DICK CLARK: Hello, ET! It's great to have you here! So what can you tell us about yourself?
ET: ET phone home...
DICK CLARK: (confused) Um, okay, what else?
ET: (points at Dick Clark) Friend...
DICK CLARK: (smiles nervously) All right, thanks... Um, what ELSE can you tell us? Something helpful.
ET: ET phone home...
ET takes something from his red jacket. Dick Clark looks at him curiously as does Luke Skywalker who thinks he's one of Yoda's close relatives.
DICK CLARK: (smiles warmly) What's that you got there?
ET: Beer...
ET chugs it down all the way and burps out loud. He points at the beer can with a glowing finger.
ET: Friend...
Dick Clark slowly shakes his head in pity. He sighs and decides to move on, ignoring Luke Skywalker who's cursing at the voice in his head again and ET's loud and annoying burps.
DICK CLARK: (tiredly) Now, for our next guest! This Captain is one of a kind! He's settled peace treaties between the Klingons and the Star Fleet Federation! Here's bachelor number three, CAPTAIN KIRK!
Captain Kirk walks into the stage casually. He stops when he sees an intern named KATJA working nearby. She's wearing a small red skirt. He goes over to her.
CAPTAIN KIRK: (slyly) How... did you... know...?
KATJA THE INTERN: How did I know WHAT?
CAPTAIN KIRK: How... did you know... that I... liked... my women... like... coffee...? Hot... and... full of sugar...
Katja the Intern slaps him square in the face.
CAPTAIN KIRK: (grinning) I... also... like my... coffee... strong...
He spanks her butt then strolls over to the stage to take his seat before Katja the Intern can react.
DICK CLARK: (nervously chuckles) Uh, I have a feeling that you'll be seeing her again in a sexual harassment suit.
CAPTAIN KIRK: Then... I'll... just... order Scotty... to... beam me up! Ha... ha... ha...
Captain Kirk continues to laugh at his own joke. The audience is quiet. The crickets chirp from a distant.
DICK CLARK: Okay. What can you tell us about yourself?
CAPTAIN KIRK: Before... I... can... answer that... I want... to know... why... you... took my communicator?
DICK CLARK: For the last time, Captain, it ISN'T a communicator! It's just a cell phone! So why are you here?
CAPTAIN KIRK: I wish... to... go... where... many men... have... boldly... gone before...
DICK CLARK: (in disbelief) Is that the only reason why you're here?
CAPTAIN KIRK: If you... have... a... better idea... I'd like to... hear... it...
Dick Clark gives off another heavy sigh. He sees ET drinking a second beer can and Luke Skywalker hitting himself to get the voice out of him. He turns to Captain Kirk to continue the small interview but he's disappeared from his seat! Dick Clark frantically searches for him and discovers that he's among the audience! Right near TRINITY from The Matrix!
CAPTAIN KIRK: (slyly) You... must... be... tired...
TRINITY: (annoyed) Tired from WHAT?
CAPTAIN KIRK: Tired... because... you've been... running... in... my head... all day... long...
TRINITY: That is the LAMEST line I've ever heard.
Trinity leaps up into the air in slow motion like in the Matrix movie. With a powerful kick, she hits him back to his seat.
Dick Clark, meanwhile, gives up on Captain Kirk and moves on.
DICK CLARK: He's an agent for the FBI investigating the X-Files! He's also the sole reason of moving the entire X-Files set from Vancouver to LA only to tell X-Files creator, Chris Carter, that he's going to appear in just a few episodes this season! Audience, here's bachelor number four, FOX MULDER!
FOX MULDER enters the stage and waves hi to the audience. He looks at the contestants and sees ET. He immediately turns to the audience to locate DANA SCULLY.
MULDER: I told you, Scully! The truth was out there! SEE! There's an alien here!
SCULLY: There's got to be a logical explanation for this...
MULDER: You can't quit now, Scully! We are close to something! We're on the verge...!
SCULLY: (interrupting) YOU'RE on the verge. Please don't do this to me. Not in front of all these people, Mulder.
MULDER: After what you saw last night, after all you've seen! You can just walk away?
SCULLY: I have. I did. It's done.
LUKE SKYWALKER: It's people like you, Scully, that destroyed Christmas. You should be ashamed of yourself!
SCULLY: And I'm supposed to be offended by a man who listens to talking bears?
Mulder gets a closer look of ET. He gently touches ET's face in fascination.
MULDER: I don't believe the FBI currently has an investigative unit qualified to pursue the evidence at hand, Scully. We'll just keep him in my basement in the meantime. We can learn a lot from each other.
SCULLY: Mulder, the only thing he'll learn is all the porn you've got stashed while he's locked up in your basement and I can only imagine what he'll do with that knowledge.
Mulder ignores her as he sees ET's finger glowing. ET extends the finger toward him. Mulder nods in understanding and smiles.
MULDER: I know... You want to tell me that you'll be right here, at my heart.
ET: No, I want you to pull my finger...
Mulder looks confused. ET raises his neck and extends it toward Mulder. Mulder thinks he's going to hug him but instead, ET barfs all over his shirt. ET sits back into his chair and grabs another cold one.
DICK CLARK: Welcome, Mulder! You've come a long way from home! Tell us about yourself!
MULDER: (in rage) Damn, alien! That shirt was from the GAP! You're going to pay for that! I'll see that the government finds you and conducts the most HORRIFYING experiments on you!
CAPTAIN KIRK: (across to the Scully) Did... it... hurt...?
SCULLY: (agitated) Did WHAT hurt?
CAPTAIN KIRK: Did... it... hurt... when... you... fell... from... heaven...?
DICK CLARK: (to Mulder) Sorry about the shirt. So why are you here? To get lucky in love?
MULDER: (still angry) No, to discover the TRUTH! And now that I HAVE, I'll see that EVERY DAMN ALIEN PAYS!
LUKE SKYWALKER: Whatever. You just don't want to admit that you can't find a woman in your own damn planet. The closes you got was Scully but she's too ticked off at how much you get paid just for saying "The truth is out there." If Chris Carter thinks he can continue the X-Files in an effort to get you an award in the Golden Globe Awards, he'd better realize that it'd take more than a village to fight the future!
CAPTAIN KIRK: What... kind... of man... calls himself... DICK... Clark?
ET: (pointing at another beer) Friend...
The four contestants go their separate ways. Dick Clark grabs a bottle of last New Year's Eve whiskey hidden under the sofa and takes a LARGE chug of it. After finishing half of the bottle, he decides to go to a commercial break.
COMMERCIAL BREAK: CARLA MARLA, MISTRESS OF KARMA: Come over to see me, Carla Marla, Mistress of Karma, to check out the great lines of food we have! From squid to huge monstrous lizards that have twenty tentacles, each one tasty, you'll get the chance to delight yourself! Why cook dinner tonight when you can eat a roasting, hot, milky, green five-eyed Martian! Yum! Yum! Kids will also have a special treat with our Happy Insects That Happily Eat You Alive happy meals! So come on over and bring the entire family along! We'll leave a seat for ya right here!
PART TWO
DICK CLARK: (tiredly) Okay, ladies and gentlemen hiccup you may know this guy from that LV-426 incident! He's a cool headed marine Corporal who hiccup wants a shot at love now! Folks, here's bachelor number five hiccup Corporal Hicks!
Luke Skywalker, Captain Kirk, ET, and Mulder calm back down as CORPORAL HICKS, from Aliens, enters now, carrying his M41A Pulse Rifle. He takes a seat and Dick Clark looks a little better. At last, a sane person!
DICK CLARK: How's it going, Corporal?
CPL. HICKS: (out loud) Whuzzzzzuuuuuupppppp!!!!!!!!!
DICK CLARK: (joining in) Whuzzzzzuuuuuupppppp!!!!!!!!!
LUKE SKYWALKER: (joining in) Whuzzzzzuuuuuupppppp!!!!!!!!!
ET: (joining in) Whuzzzzzuuuuuupppppp!!!!!!!!!
MULDER: (joining in) Whuzzzzzuuuuuupppppp!!!!!!!!!
SYLVIA THE ANNOUNCER: (joining in) Whuzzzzzuuuuuupppppp!!!!!!!!!
QUEEN ALIEN: (joining in from audience) Whuzzzzzuuuuuupppppp!!!!!!!!!
PREDATOR: (joining in from audience) Whuzzzzzuuuuuupppppp!!!!!!!!!
TRINITY: (joining in from audience) Whuzzzzzuuuuuupppppp!!!!!!!!!
SCULLY: (joining in from audience) Whuzzzzzuuuuuupppppp!!!!!!!!!
SUPERMAN: (joining in from audience but still in pain) Whuzzzzzuuuuuupppppp!!!!!!!!!
LOIS LANE: (joining in from audience) Whuzzzzzuuuuuupppppp!!!!!!!!!
KATJA THE INTERN: (joining in) Whuzzzzzuuuuuupppppp!!!!!!!!!
CAPTAIN KIRK: (joining in) What... is... up...!
Everyone stops and looks at Captain Kirk blankly. The room's quiet.
DICK CLARK: So, Hicks, how's everything hiccup going for you? What can you tell us about yourself without acting like a hiccup jerk like these guys have done?
CAPTAIN KIRK: (curiously to Dick Clark) How... can... you do it...?
DICK CLARK: How can I do WHAT?
CAPTAIN KIRK: How... can... you... be named DICK Clark... and... be... famous... for... dropping balls...? Dick Clark declines to say anything and sighs. After awhile, he MAKES himself smile.
DICK CLARK: (to Hicks) Okay, so why are you hiccup here, Hicks?
CPL. HICKS: (cradling his gun like a baby) My pals told me I had a problem. They told me that I was more concerned with my gun than with anything else.
LT. RIPLEY, who's among the audience, stands up.
RIPLEY: (angrily) That's right, Dwayne! You gave more love into that stupid gun than in our relationship!
CPL. HICKS: Look who's talking, cat freak! You've got TWELVE orange cats and ALL of them are named Jonesy!
DICK CLARK: I take it you both broke up?
CPL. HICKS: Divorced! The only good thing that I got out of the relationship was that funky, thong-like underwear she wore at the end of Alien!
RIPLEY: Which I'll be getting back REAL soon, mister!
CPL. HICKS: I wouldn't count on it, baby! Not unless you want to meet a close personal friend of mine!
RIPLEY: And which one would that be?! The wimpy one or the small one?!
DICK CLARK: (quickly intervenes) Uh, Ripley! We're LIVE across the galaxy. We don't need to hear about that.
CPL. HICKS: Ripley, the only thing I liked about being with you in space was that no one could hear you bit**. And if you gave me problems, I could just put you to sleep in that cryotube thingy for another 57 years!
A couple of security guards come in and escort Ripley out of the audience before she can reach the stage.
CAPTAIN KIRK: (to Ripley before she's taken out) Did... you... like the broom...?
RIPLEY: WHAT broom?!
CAPTAIN KIRK: The... one... I used to... sweep... you off your... feet...
CPL. HICKS: (grinning) Hey, Kirk! Lot's of luck with her! It's also too bad that your phaser is set only on stun, if you get my drift, old man!
Mulder, Luke Skywalker, and ET laugh. Kirk doesn't get the joke and just smiles.
DICK CLARK: Let's hiccup move on, people! He's the man who'll bring us from deliverance! From The Matrix, here's hiccup the last bachelor, NEO!
The audience waits for NEO, but he has yet to arrive. An hour later, Neo comes running to his seat out of nowhere.
DICK CLARK: Neo! hiccup Welcome!
NEO: Whoa, sorry I'm late, dude! Like, I took the bus! And, like, some jerk decided to put a bomb on it and the bus had to go over 50 or it'd blow. There was something else that we couldn't do but I can't remember.
DICK CLARK: No way!
NEO: YES way!
DICK CLARK: How did you escape?
NEO: Whoa, like, I jumped out of the bus as it rode on.
A huge explosion is suddenly heard that rocks the studio.
NEO: DUDE! NOW I remember! We couldn't get out of the bus either! Luke Skywalker, Captain Kirk, ET, Mulder, and Cpl. Hicks all look at each other.
CPL. HICKS: Hey, Kirk! I have a question for you, why do all the newcomers in Star Trek who wear red always are the ones that die?
CAPTAIN KIRK: Is... this... a... rhetorical... question...?
DICK CLARK: Okay folks, here's all our bachelors! Now for a commercial break!
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The commercial ends. Dick Clark drinks another chug of his whiskey. He realizes they're back on air and quickly puts away the bottle. Cpl. Hicks arrives back on stage.
DICK CLARK: Where did you go?
CPL. HICKS: (happily) I went to my car to see if I left my keys in it again. And let me say, that nice people out there still exist!
DICK CLARK: Why do you say that?
CPL. HICKS: Because someone complemented me on my parking!
DICK CLARK: Really?
CPL. HICKS: Yeah! Whoever he or she was, they left a note saying, Parking Fine! Wasn't that sweet! Dick Clark doesn't say anything.
DICK CLARK: Let's get on with the show! If we can now bring out our lucky girl, JESSICA!
JESSICA comes from the other side of the stage. There's a large curtain that separates her side from the bachelors, which she can't see from her view. She takes a seat after shaking Dick Clark's hand.
DICK CLARK: Welcome! I hope you're up for a lot of surprises... I know I wasn't. Okay, let the show begin!
The five bachelors prep themselves for the questions. Luke Skywalker cracks his knuckles nervously. ET is on his forth drink. Captain Kirk is making his moves on another intern named SONJA but gets hit by her baseball bat. Cpl. Hicks is soothing his gun to sleep. And finally, Mulder is secretly calling the government over to obtain ET from his cell phone.
JESSICA: (clears throat) Bachelor number one, if you were to become a utensil, which would you be: a spoon, a fork, or a knife?
Luke Skywalker thinks for a long time. Suddenly, he hears OBI WAN KENOBI.
OBI WAN KENOBI: (in Luke's head) Use the fork, Luke. Use the fork!
LUKE SKYWALKER: (out loud) A spork!
OBI WAN KENOBI: (in Luke's head) No, STUPID! Fork! I said to use the FORK!
JESSICA: (to Luke) A spork? Why?
LUKE SKYWALKER: Because the voice in my head said so.
Jessica gives Dick Clark a concerned expression. She continues on.
JESSICA: Bachelor number six, what's the thing you like to do best? What's your talent?
NEO: Whoa! Like, I have a talent?
Jessica doesn't say anything.
NEO: Hey, like, I wouldn't recommend you picking bachelor number three for a date, babe. He's, like, an alien.
Jessica still doesn't say anything.
NEO: Uh, what was the question again?
JESSICA: (trying to be patient) What's your favorite thing you like to do?
NEO: Oh! Like, that's easy! I know Kung Fu!
JESSICA: Great... What else?
NEO: Whoa, is this a multiple question quiz? Am I getting a grade for this?
Jessica tries her best not to explode.
NEO: Um, okay, so, like, I also like to make prank phone calls to Agent Smith and his buddies. Like, it almost caused Trinity her life, but, hey! It was EXCELLENT!
CAPTAIN KIRK: No... way...!
NEO: YES way! It's cool being the one!
In the audience, Trinity looks at MORPHEOUS pathetically.
TRINITY: And he wonders why I broke things off between us...
JESSICA: Bachelor number two, I want to know what's YOUR hobby?
CAPTAIN KIRK: I... like... to... sing...
JESSICA: That's great! How's about you sing for us?
Captain Kirk stands up.
CAPTAIN KIRK: (singing in a flat note) Raindrops... keep... falling... on... my... head...
Captain Kirk stops singing.
CAPTAIN KIRK: But... you... know... what...? Raindrops... DON'T... have to fall on your head... If... you... go... to... priceline.com, you're guaranteed... a... great... deal at all... the... great... places for such... a... cheap price! You... won't... have... to... worry about... crummy... weather... Check... out... priceline.com and see... what... it... means... to be amazed! The audience is quiet.
JESSICA: (continuing on) Bachelor number four, please tell me about yourself. What do you do?
MULDER: What do I do? I'm the key figure on an ongoing government charade: to plot to conceal the truth about the existence of extraterrestrials. It's a global conspiracy, actually, with key players in the highest level of power that reaches into the lives of every woman, man, and child on this planet. So, of course, no one believes me. I'm an annoyance to my superiors, a joke to my peers. They call me Spooky. Spooky Mulder whose sister was abducted by aliens when he was just a kid, and now chases after little green men with a badge and a gun and shouting to the heavens or anyone who will listen that the fix is in, that the sky is falling and when it hits, it's gonna be the s*** storm of all time.
NEO: DUDE! That was awesome!
LUKE SKYWALKER: No, it wasn't! He got it right off The X-Files movie! See? He scribbled it all down on his hands!
Neo looks at Mulder's hands. He sees the entire speech written down.
NEO: No way!
ET: YES way!
CPL. HICKS: (muttering to himself) You know that the world's going to end when the best rapper is white, the best golfer is black, and the chosen one is the same dude from Billy and Ted's Excellent Adventure. Frankly, I'm not impressed.
DICK CLARK: Okay, folks! We'll be right back! Now for a commercial!
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PART THREE
DICK CLARK: Wow! I love going to that place! But let's move on! Jessica?
Jessica smiles and moves on with the questions.
JESSICA: (to the contestants) Can each of you tell me what was the strangest date you ever had WITH AN ALIEN?
LUKE SKYWALKER: I was on this other blind date game. My date was a big hairy creature. It was Chewbacca.
CAPTAIN KIRK: My... strangest date had... to... be Laura... On... the... middle of the date, I... discovered she was a he... And that it... was... Dennis Rodman... making... another... promotional... attempt to save... his ill-fated career... Of course, him... being an... alien was... no... surprise to me... To... make matters worse... we had a terrible... trip to... our... restaurant... If any... of... you... people would like... to... avoid... such a hassle, then... check... out... priceline.com...! It's... a... great... way... for travel and... to... save... money... Tell... them... I sent... you...!
DICK CLARK: Do we get a discount for telling them that you sent us?
CAPTAIN KIRK: Uh... I... didn't... say... that...
NEO: (to Jessica) Whoa, like, dude, I never dated an alien... but I WAS with Sandra Bullock! That's close enough to being with an alien, isn't it?
ET: (points at his sixth drink, indifferent to the question) Friend...
MULDER: Which one would you like to hear?
CPL. HICKS: Brittany Spears. And folks, those AREN'T implants after all. They're alien eggs that hatched right in front of my eyes that gave birth to horrifying alien babies! I freaked out and she told me, Oops! I did it again!
NEO: Whoa! No way!
CPL. HICKS: YES way!
NEO: Did they develop into kick@$ agents that could leap from one building into another, morph from a human being, and have Kung Fu killer moves?
MULDER: (anxious and curious) Were they intelligent extraterrestrials who secretly worked with the government in an effort to conceal the truth from every man, woman, and child? Thus, waiting for Judgment Day where all of humanity would perish at their will?
CAPTAIN KIRK: Huge... large... Klingons... with bad breath.... and terrible... table... manners that... spout things... from William Shakespeare?
LUKE SKYWALKER: Or maybe desert monsters that ate folks alive for parking on a No Parking zone?
CPL. HICKS: Nope. They were baby clones of herself!
The audience screams in terror.
SCULLY: (from the audience) Mulder! Here lies the logical explanation!
MULDER: About the existence of extraterrestrials?
SCULLY: No! About the existence of the likes of Christian Aguilera... Jessica Simpson...!
JESSICA: Bachelor number three, if we were to go on a date, where would you take me?
CAPTAIN KIRK: Well... I'll... take you to... a... pleasure cruise, of course. But first...!
Captain Kirk stands up, grabs a microphone and strolls over to a guy with a keyboard and drums.
CAPTAIN KIRK: Before... anyone... thinks of going... anywhere, they might... need... to check out priceline.com...! The... greatest place to... visit to save... cash... and... I KNOW... that a lot... of people... want... to save money... Priceline.com... is the place to go...! Baby, if... I'm... wrong... then I don't... ever... want to be right...
CPL. HICKS: Oh, shut UP with those damn 'priceline.com' commercials already!
Cpl. Hicks yanks Captain Kirk back to his seat. The audience applauds.
CAPTAIN KIRK: You... are... aren't you?
CPL. HICKS: I'm WHAT?
CAPTAIN KIRK: You're... jealous... of me because... I... don't... die... in all of my movies... like you do...
CPL. HICKS: That's because you hardly make any movies in the first place, dork! What's the one movie you made?
CAPTAIN KIRK: That's... easy...!
CPL. HICKS: (quickly adds) That WASN'T a Star Trek movie!
Captain Kirk doesn't say anything.
JESSICA: Can each of you tell me your favorite quote?
MULDER: The truth is out there.
NEO: Whoa... It's, like, Excellent! Uh, no, that's the wrong one... Uh, Pop quiz, hotshot! No, um, that's wrong....
BILL: (from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure) DUDE! Like, you totally forgot your character, man!
NEO: Shut up, Bill! At least, I wasn't a LOST BOY!
BILL: Whoa! That was totally uncalled for! That was totally icy!
NEO: Sorry, dude! Air guitar time!
Both Neo and Bill begin playing a guitar out of thin air.
JESSICA: Uh, I hate to break this up, but what was your favorite quote?
NEO: Uh... uh...
JESSICA: Remember? You were in The Matrix, remember?
NEO: (still confused) What is the Matrix?
DICK CLARK: Uh, that'll do. Moving on!
CPL. HICKS: It's game time.
CAPTAIN KIRK: Space... the final... frontier...
Thirty minutes later...
CAPTAIN KIRK: "...to boldly go... where... no... man... has gone... before..."
ET: ET tired... ET want to pull the wrong finger on KIRK... ET phone home...Luke Skywalker thinks for a long time.
LUKE SKYWALKER: You know... I don't have one! You'd think that I'd have my own quote! Even ET, who hardly says anything throughout the movie, has several quotes!
JESSICA: Bachelor number six, how did you know that you were the chosen one?
NEO: Whoa, like, when my computer told me to follow the white bunny.
JESSICA: What about you bachelor number one?
LUKE SKYWALKER: First of all, I'd just like to say that Neo is a COMPLETE rip-off of me! EVERYONE here knows that I started the chosen one phase! EVERYONE!
NEO: No way!
LUKE SKYWALKER: YES way!
CPL. HICKS: Why all this fuss about chosen people! Why can't characters like me get a shot at being one! How come I've gotta die while everyone else gets to fancy around in black leather, using cool powers, and ACTUALLY making it to a sequel! It ain't fair!
Mulder comforts Cpl. Hicks with a hug.
MULDER: There, there... you'll get your chance to annihilate a bad guy and live at the end of the movie.
CPL. HICKS: (crying) Actually, I DID annihilate a bad guy and DID make it at the end of Aliens.
MULDER: Then why are you complaining?
CPL. HICKS: (crying louder) Because I died at the very beginning of Alien 3!
MULDER: Oh.
JESSICA: Bachelor number four, what's your favorite hobby?
MULDER: (still holding Cpl. Hicks) I like to write in my diary when I'm wearing red shoes.
Everyone's quiet. Cpl. Hicks immediately pushes him off and moves a chair away.
DICK CLARK: (nervously) How's about we go to a commercial break?
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DICK CLARK: We're back! Jessica, take it from here!
JESSICA: Okay! Um, bachelor number five, what was the worse experience you ever had?
CPL. HICKS: Um, well, besides from dying in my sleep, a few months ago I was kidnapped by a psycho who kept me locked in her basement and made me try on her clothes. She took me after I won in a boxing match against a jerk named Kyle Reese. Other victims like Chris Larabee, Coffey, and Curran were taken by other obsessed and insane girls. So far, they're still missing. A current investigation is being conducted by Sheriff Brent Marken for the search of Chris while the Navy's Commander Anderson is trying to find both Curran and Coffey.
NEO: DUDE! That sounds cool! Do you remember what that chick looked like?
CPL. HICKS: I never knew. She covered my eyes with a black cloth that had Hicks rules words all over it. She also stuffed an Alien beanie baby in my mouth to prevent me from yelling help to anyone who'd come by. To make matters worse, she kept making me enact a scene from Aliens with the help of her Aliens' action figures! As always, I played Hicks. I also had to play Ken, when she decided to play with her Barbie dolls. I wanted to DIE again!
MULDER: How did you escape? Did the same aliens that kidnapped my sister abducted, conducted tests, and then took you to a reliable place afterwards? Or had you secretly escaped the clutches of the government who had discovered that you were recent a victim of an alien abduction and therefore, decided to make you a part of their global conspiracy in world domination? If so, do you have any bugs that they possibly implanted in you to know where you are and at what time? Have you checked for that? I could help. One man alone can't fight the future.
CPL. HICKS: (looking at Mulder strangely) No. I escaped when her mom told her dinner was done and to stop playing with her toys. I took off like hell and made my way here. Speaking of that incident, I couldn't help but to notice how you sound familiar, Ms. Jessica.
JESSICA: (nervous) Who? Me?! Nonsense! Um, I'm going to move on!
CPL. HICKS: Wait a minute!
Cpl. Hicks runs over to the side of Jessica. He looks at her suspiciously. He notices that she has a bag beside her. Before she can grab it, he snatches it away. Cpl. Hicks looks inside the bag and the audience sees him shocked.
CPL. HICKS: I KNEW IT! You're the one!
Cpl. Hicks pulls out and reveals the Hicks action figure and Ken doll to the audience. Everyone awes in horror. Jessica immediately gets up and starts to run but Cpl. Hicks chases after her. The audience goes in a complete frenzy!
A group of government agents storm in the studio suddenly. Mulder points at ET who leaps up from his chair and starts to run like hell. Some of the agents are the same ones from The Matrix!
AGENT SMITH: (to ET) As you can see, we've had our eye on you for sometime, Mr. ET. There seems that you've been living two lives... In one life, you're an alien living within a respectable and intelligent species that has visit Earth on several occasions in an effort to learn more of the human body. In the other, you're a stripper in the underground where you go by the name, The Lover's Man. One of these lives has a future... the other does not. ET waddles his way around Agent Smith and heads for the exit door. Agent Smith and his comrades go after him. Neo, Trinity, and Morpheous attempt to help ET, but Luke Skywalker gets in the way. He punches Neo with his light saber.
LUKE SKYWALKER: Rip-off!
BILL: Whoa! Neo, you going to let that dude tell you off, dude!
NEO: NO WAY!
Neo prepares to do battle. The fight scene looks like the same one at the subway in The Matrix. The two fly at each other but they hit themselves in the head instead and lose conscious right before the battle even starts. Mulder and Scully observe what's going on.
SCULLY: Let's go, Mulder. I've seen enough.
MULDER: No. No! How many times have we been here before, Scully, right here, so close to the truth? And now what we've seen and what we know to be right back in the beginning with nothing!
SCULLY: Apparently, not as much as I have to hear you ramble on and on and on...
Katja the Intern and Sonja the Intern are assaulting Captain Kirk in the meantime. Katja the Intern has a club while Sonja the Intern has a spiked club.
KATJA THE INTERN: Who's hot now, dork?!
Captain Kirk runs behind Dick Clark.
CAPTAIN KIRK: Get... HIM! Not me! He made... me... do it! Honest!
Dick Clark looks at him blankly. Katja the Intern and Sonja the Intern still attempt to hit Captain Kirk. They accidentally hit Dick Clark instead. To their surprise, Dick Clark turns his head all the way around to see them! He gets the spiked club out of his leg. Then his body starts to rip apart! Behind the skin, is an endoskeleton! He's the TERMINATOR!
CAPTAIN KIRK: That's... why... you never aged! You're... a... robot!
Captain Kirk retrieves his communicator when he sees the Terminator coming after them all.
CAPTAIN KIRK: Scotty! Beam... me... up!
SCOTTY: (from the other line) I can't!
CAPTAIN KIRK: There aren't enough crystals, Scotty?
SCOTTY: No! I'm just too fat to reach the controls, Cap'n!
CAPTAIN KIRK: Doh!
Cpl. Hicks stops chasing Jessica and takes a moment to see the Terminator. Suddenly, he hears a laugh from behind.
VOICE: Hoo-hoo-ha-ha-ha!
The voice is familiar. Cpl. Hicks turns around and sees KYLE REESE from The Terminator holding a plasma rifle.
REESE: A lot's happened after our last battle...Cpl. Hicks finds Luke Skywalker's light saber on the ground and takes it.
REESE: I have something to tell you...
CPL. HICKS: What?
REESE: Hicks... I am your father!
CPL. HICKS: No! No! You can't be! That's impossible!
REESE: It's true! It'd certainly explain it better than me having a kid twice my age that sends me off to the future, ultimately, to kill myself! And then there's all that nonsense on time travel. How was I able to conceive him from another time if I wasn't born? Does that mean that there's always going to be a future in chaos in order for me to come back through time? Am I always going to go through time to save the human race? Why do supermarkets that are open 24 hours a day have a lock? Why can't you tear away that annoying tag in your mattress? Why do the words of a song rarely relate to the music video? You know, that kind of nonsense. Anyway, now join me in the Dark side or die dammitt!
Cpl. Hicks tries to hit him with the light saber. To his horror, the batteries go out. He checks the batteries and sees that they're Energizer batteries.
CPL. HICKS: It figures! I should've gone with Duracell!
Cpl. Hicks throws the light saber away and tries to outrun Reese whose shooting all over the place, even hitting the Energizer bunny along the way. Cpl. Hicks hides in a room and locks the door. He doesn't know what to do. Suddenly, the closet behind him opens and the masked guy from Scream appears holding a knife.
SCREAM DUDE: Hello, Sidney!
CPL. HICKS: Uh, you're in the wrong story, buddy.
Scream Dude stops to look around.
SCREAM DUDE: Uh, sorry...As the Scream Dude exits, Reese appears out of nowhere.CPL.
CPL. HICKS: Where the hell did you come from?
REESE: Funny, that's the same thing my mom asked when she found out she was pregnant with me. But that's not the point! Join me!
Cpl. Hicks backs away from Reese. As he does, he trips and falls to the ground. Reese walks over to him and starts to laugh. Cpl. Hicks is trapped. He doesn't know what to do. Abruptly, however, he hears a voice. This time from inside his head.
THE VOICE INSIDE HIS HEAD: Use the Schwarz, Hicks! Use the Schwarz!
CPL. HICKS: Obi Wan Kenobi? I thought I was supposed to use the Force?
THE VOICE INSIDE HIS HEAD: (in rage) It's NOT Obi Wan Kenobi! It's Yogurt from Spaceballs!
Obi Wan Kenobi is too busy trying to get Luke's @$ up so they called me in as a replacement. Now use the Schwarz!
CPL. HICKS: But I don't know how!
YOGURT: You do! It's inside you!
CPL. HICKS: In my heart?
YOGURT: NO, stupid! In your left pocket!
Cpl. Hicks checks his left pocket and finds a grenade with the name Schwarz. He takes it and throws it at Reese. A huge explosion occurs.
REESE: (like the Wicked Witch of the West) I'm melting! I'm melting! What a world! What a world!
The explosion caused by the bomb causes the ship to plummet downwards. Agent Scully runs to a nearby window to see where the ship is heading for. She sees an iceberg.
SCULLY: Iceberg! Right ahead!
HUDSON, from Aliens, appears out of nowhere.
HUDSON: (hysterically) Game over, man! Game over! What are we gonna do! What are we gonna do!
As everyone runs to evacuate, from afar JACK, from Titanic, stands at the very end of the ship.
JACK: I'm the king of the world! Whoo-hoo!
MULDER: (On the run) You'll be more than that when the ship hits you idiot!
Jack turns to see what he's talking about.
JACK: Oh s****!
ROSE, also from Titanic, emerges from a nearby doorway wearing nothing but a robe.
ROSE: Jack? Where are you going? You're supposed to draw my portrait!
JACK: The ship's going to hit an iceberg!
ROSE: OMIGOSH! What are we going to do!? There aren't enough escape pods for everyone!
JACK: There isn't? (Thinks for a long time)
ROSE: Jack! What are we going to do!?
JACK: (taking off) Stay here, Rose! I'll get help!
Jack makes a mad dash towards the escape pods. Mulder runs beside him. As the two enter an escape pod, Mulder looks confused.
MULDER: Hey, I thought you were going to get help.
JACK: I lied. I only told her to stay put so that I could get into one of the few escape pods.
HUDSON: (hysterically) Game over, man! Game over! What are we gonna do! What are we gonna do!
Neo wakes up. He notices the ship shaking and Bill right over him.
NEO: Dude, what happened?
BILL: Like, DUDE, the ship's going down!
NEO: No way!
BILL: YES way! Let's go!
Neo follows Bill to a nearby phone booth. Electricity surges over the phone booth as it prepares to teleport Bill and Ted, er, Neo, out of the plummeting ship.
BILL: (to Neo) Dude, you ever wonder why all your movies deal with a telephone booth? I mean, Speed opened with you in a telephone booth... The Matrix opened with a telephone booth... You get the idea, dude?
NEO: Who cares! Let's order some pizza, dude!
BILL: No way!
NEO: YES way!
Before the telephone phone can leave, Neo sees Trinity and Morpheous trying to run toward them.
TRINITY: Neo! Let us in!
NEO: Sorry! This telephone booth is reserved only for Bill and me!
The telephone booth transports out of the ship. Trinity curses but Morpheous sees a bus and urges her to run after it. Upon arriving, BECKY THE BUS DRIVER opens the bus's doors and looks down at the two.
BECKY THE BUS DRIVER: I hope the two of you got exact change. Exact change only.
Both Trinity and Morpheous try to get out the change needed, but their leather pants are too tight that they can't even reach into their pockets!
HUDSON: (hysterically) Game over, man! Game over! What are we gonna do! What are we gonna do!
Meanwhile, back at the hallway. Cpl. Hicks begins to recover. He looks down at the pool that was once Reese and smiles.
CPL. HICKS: Finally, it's over... Suddenly, he sees the pool beginning to rise. Cpl. Hicks freaks out when he realizes that Reese is putting himself back together! (Like the T-1000 in Terminator 2: Judgment Day)!
CPL. HICKS: I'm getting out of here!
HUDSON: (hysterically) Game over, man! Game over! What are we gonna do! What are we gonna do!
CPL. HICKS: Oh, shut UP already!
Cpl. Hicks knocks Hudson out cold. Then he hears the ship's sirens informing all people that impact will be in less than one minute! He sees several people running all over the place. He searches for a means of transportation and finds some. Cpl. Hicks weighs his options. There's the Alien Queen's mother ship he can escape in, an empty escape pod he could use, a transporter he could transport in, a boat from Titanic that says it all, and finally, ET's bike. He heads for ET's bike.
Jessica manages to snatch ET's bike first and starts her up. Cpl. Hicks jumps on.
CPL. HICKS: I'M driving!
He drives it at full speed and decides to pick ET up along the way whose now is on his sixth round. Suddenly, Jessica looks behind them.
JESSICA: What the...! Look! There's a crazy, cute, hot looking, make-my-day, man running after us!
Cpl. Hicks looks behind and sees that it's Reese! Cpl. Hicks pulls out his shotgun and decides to give Jessica control of the bike.
CPL. HICKS: Here! Drive!
Cpl. Hicks shoots shot after shot at Reese, but he's still pursuing. In fact, he manages to leap up and grab the rear end of the motorcycle. Reese starts to pull himself up! But one final shot from Cpl. Hicks sends Reese's grip loose. The three escape. Reese gets up as he sees the bike flying away. He hears that the ship's going to impact at any moment! So he looks around and approaches the Millennium Falcon from Star Wars! He leans over to HAN SOLO's window.
REESE: (devilishly) Say, that's a nice ship.
Reese takes off with the Falcon, leaving the Star Wars cast behind (including George Lucas). Well, he decides to take along those cute talking bears, though... Meanwhile, ET, Cpl. Hicks and Jessica make it past the ship's impact. Cpl. Hicks sighs in relief. Together, they fly up and across the moon... only to get hit by an airplane.
THE END